********** :) :) JEWISH HUMOR - ISSUE # 1 - JUNE, 1996 :) :) **********

Here it is, the long awaited first issue of Jewish Humor. We now have over 400 subscribers. Not bad for a list that has, up until now, sent you absolutely NOTHING!!!-- Thanks to any and all of you who have contributed material to this list.

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Joke 1/6/96: Abraham

Avraham Avinu wants to upgrade his PC to Windows '95. Yitzhak is incredulous. "Pop," he says, "you can't run Windows '95 on your old, slow 386! Everybody knows that you need at least a fast 486 with a minimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows '95."

But Avraham, the man of faith, gazes calmly at his son and replies, "God will provide the RAM, my son."

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Joke 2/6/96: Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning the wrong subject.

15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

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Joke 3/6/96: Money

Q - Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?

A - Under the Vacuum cleaner.

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Joke 4/6/96: Going For A Drive

Sam Shwatrz was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a Policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the Policeman says, "Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back." Sam replies, "Thank god for that" I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"

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Joke 5/6/96: At The Bar

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down. Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?"

"That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says.

"But that was an iceberg!"

"Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

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Joke 6/6/96: Microsoft acquires the Catholic Church

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates. "We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on- been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and

entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scaleable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates. The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the US Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in The increasingly competitive religious market.

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Joke 7/6/96: The Jewish Lawyer

Bernie an old Jewish codger, was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for that express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you

want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business!" answers Bernie, "Get me the course!"

Four days later, Bernie got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please Bernie, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, Bernie said: "One less Jewish lawyer".

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Joke 8/6/96:

Three Jewish Grandmothers were sitting around, drinking tea and talking about their grandsons' professions. One was a doctor, the second an architect, and the third a computer scientist. The Grandmothers got to arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor's Grandma said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect's Grannie did not agree. She said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist's Bubbie, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"

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Joke 10/6/96: The Heavenly Marriage

There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by an Angel. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took the Angel aside and said, "Listen, my fiancé and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"

The Angel looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Hashem Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."

Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of Hashem, where they repeat the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."

Well five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."

Finally, they come before Hashem the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful chupah in the main sanctuary. The reception will be on me!"

The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moshe Rabeinu even brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Leah and Rachel were in the wedding party. But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another.

So they made another appointment to see the Hashem, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a Rabbi up here in heaven; do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

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********** :) :) JEWISH HUMOR - ISSUE # 2 - JULY, 1996 :):)************

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Joke 1/7/96: Press Release

SILICON VALLEY - World Wide Web giants Yahoo and Netscape announced a surprise merger and relocation today. The new firm will move to Israel and call itself Net'n'Yahoo.

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Joke 2/7/96: Flying High

An elderly Jewish couple are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. Unluckily, this Island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."

The husband turns to his wife and asks,

"Esther, did we turn off the stove?"

and Esther replies, "of course."

"Esther, are our life insurance policies paid up?"

"Of course."

"Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?"

"Oh my G-d, I forgot to send the check!!"

"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!!"

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Joke 3/7/96: Diamonds Are Forever:

Sally is flying out to meet her boyfriend. She falls asleep on the plane and dreams about this gorgeous diamond ring he'll give her. When she opens her eyes, she spots an even bigger diamond on the finger of Mrs. Goldstein, a matron sitting next to her. This is the mother of all diamonds, it is enormous, flawless, glittering...

'My, that's some diamond you've got there', Sally says. 'I've never seen anything like it.'

Mrs. Goldstein sighs. 'I know, my child. This is no ordinary diamond. It's the famous Goldstein diamond. But it comes with a terrible curse.'

'It does?' Sally moves to the edge of the seat. 'So what's the curse?'

Mrs. Goldstein sighs again. 'Mister Goldstein.'

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Joke 4/7/96: Three Little Indians

A mul is gaven drei Indians - der Tatte, Geronowitz, die Mutter, Pocayenta, und di tuchter, Minnie Horowitz. Ain tug is Minnie Horowitz gekummen aheim und gezukt tzu Pocayenta, "Mamma, ich vill hairaten". Zukt Pocayenta, "Gut, siz shoin tzeit; du bist yetzt an alte moid, sekstzin yur alt. Ver iz der bucher?". Zukt Minnie Horowitz, "Oy, Mamma, hob ich getruffen mit a bucher! Haich un heldish, azoy shein, azoy shtark!". "Un vos iz zein

nommen?" "Er hayst Sitting Bullvon". "Un vos far a yiches hot er?".

"Oy, er hut a grosser yiches. Zein tatte, Mishuggene Ferd, is der gantzermacher fun alle die Shvartz-fuss leite". Zukt Pocayenta, "Gut, mir vellen hubben a groisser chassena - OY VAY IS MIR!". "Vus is der mehr?". "Mir hubben ain tzore.". "Vus iz der tzore?" "Die tzeepee iz nit gross genug tzu halten alle die gasten fun die chassena, alle die Shvartz-fuss und die Shmohawks, und die gantze mishpuche." Shreit Pocayenta tzu Geronowitz, "Geronowitz! Shtait uff dem tuchess, und gay krigen far mir a buffalo!". Zukt Geronowitz, "Far vus vilst du a buffalo?". "Mit der fleish fun der buffalo, ken ich machen a gut gedempte buffalo tzimmes, und mit die peltz, ken ich machen gresser die tzeepee, und mir vellen kennen anladen die gantze velt tzum chassene".

Arois is gegangen Geronowitz. Ain tug hat passiert, tzvei tug, drei tug, un nicht kain Geronowitz. A vuch mehr passiert, kumt a haim Geronowitz mit gurnisht in die hent. "Shlemiel! Vie is mein buffalo?" schreit tzu ihm Pocayenta. "Die in dein buffalo tzimmes! Ich hub aich baide in bud!" "Far vus? Vus iz der mehr?" "Der ershte tug hub ich gezehn a buffalo, nisht gut genug far die tzimmes, nisht grois genug far die tzeepee. Die tzvayte tug, hub ich gezehn anander buffalo, grois genug, uber mit a farfoite peltz - aza mieskeit fun a buffalo, hub ich kain mul nisht gezehn.

A pur mere taig, hub ich gefinnin a buffalo - shain, shmaltzedik, grois! A poifect buffalo.". "Un nu? Vuden?" "Vu den? Ich hub gegangen tzu shechten dem buffalo. Ich hub gekukt in mein tasch, un du vaist vus? Nahr vus ich bin! Ich hub genemmen mit mir die milchidik tomahawk!"

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Joke 5/7/96: Born Jewish

Q - How do we know Jesus was Jewish?

A - He lived at home until he was 30.

He went into his father's business.

His mother thought he was G-d.

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Joke 6/7/96: Golf Game

A rabbi and a priest are playing golf. The rabbi misses a shot and exclaims "G-d damn it, I missed!". The priest chides him "A man of your profession shouldn't be taking the Lord's name in vain". The rabbi apologizes, but at the next hole he misses again and again exclaims "G-d damn it, I missed!". The priest is really upset now, and the rabbi apologizes again, saying "If I say that again, may a bolt of lightning come down and strike me dead." Third hole, the rabbi makes the worst shot yet and yells "G-d damn it, I missed!" Immediately, a bolt of lightning comes down from the sky and hits the priest, whereupon a thunderous voice is heard "G-d damn it, I missed!"

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Joke 7/7/96: Charity Begins At Home

A Priest, a minister and a Rabbi were sitting around wondering what to do with all the money they collected from charity. The priest said: "I got an idea. Let's draw a circle, throw all the money up in the air, and what falls in the circle we give to G-d.

The Minister said: "I got a better idea. Let's draw a circle, throw all the money up in the air, and what falls outside the circle we give to G-d.

The Rabbi said: "I got even a better idea. Let's draw a circle, throw all the money up in the air, and let G-d take what he wants, and what falls to the ground we keep!

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Joke 8/7/96: IOU

Ginsberg never pays his bills and is seen bargaining with a supplier. "Hey, Ginsberg," Goldberg asks him, why are you knocking that man's prices down ? You're never going to pay him anyway. Listen, - answers Ginsberg, - he is a nice chap. I just want to keep down his losses!

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Joke 9/7/96: What's For Supper?

Q - What do Jewish wives make for supper?

A - Reservations.

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Joke 10/7/96: Jewish Personal Ads

Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27.

Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object macaroni. POB 77.

Professional Jewish athlete, winner of Davis Cup, America Cup, Stanley ýCup. Seeking non-Jewish woman. Goyishe Cup. POB 58.

Nice Jewish accountant, 31. Looking for a "10", 25-30, 5'-5'6", 95-105 lbs., 36-24-36, area code 212, 718, or 201. I've got your number. POB 1099.

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine if you show me yours. POB 72.

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64.

If you can't stand the heat, get out of the blech. Heimishe balabusta, 39, will cook you such a tzimmes. Hurry, it's getting cold. POB 96.

Eh, shalom aleichem... So maybe you want to meet me, although all right, you probably don't. Nu, so if you change your mind, maybe

epess you'll write me, but if not, it's OK, I understand. My name is Shaya Bochur. POB 55.

Successful orthodox diamond cutter. Both Shea and Yankee Stadium. No Shabbos games. Will not mow lawn during s'firah. Seeking wife. POB 41.

Matzo supplier, 53, seeks cloth bag manufacturer. Let's play "Hide the Afikomen." POB 67.

Looking for a great husband? "Mr. Dependable," always there for you. A faithful companion at all times. Your salvation in any emergency.

No Saturday or Holiday calls, please. POB 92.

Divorced? Looking for someone to play with? Sign on with us, the

New York Gets. Games all season. Switch hitters welcome. POB 74.

Agnostic dyslexic insomniac male, seeks similar female to stay up all night to discuss whether or not there really is a DOG. POB 83.

Can't meet women?
Want to meet women?
Ready to meet women?
Join Amit Women. POB 60.

Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for the minyan and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah. POB 50.

Businessman, 51, manufactures Jewish novelty items: chai chairs, chai-fi stereos, chai ball glasses, chai jump equipment. Seeks woman with chai standards. POB 13.

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.

Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81.

Single, attractive, successful, self-absorbed woman, 34, seeks to save money by spending yours. POB 27.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.

Israeli woman, 28, works behind falafel counter in pizza shop, looking for Jewish man with sense of humus. POB 789.

Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant, squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must. POB 677.

Mama's boy from Brooklyn, seeks wife willing to suffer abuse from my Mommy. POB 424.

Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish ýPrince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 843.

Boychik seeking girlchik. POB 617.

Tumtumchik seeking androgynuschik. POB 24.

What's a menorah without it's shammes? Available Jewish woman, 37, seeks man to light her fire. POB 566.

Crossing Delancey? Make a left on Orchard Street. Follow Hester two blocks to Rivington. Turn left on Grand. That's where I live. Come visit. POB 457.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.

Classy carrot seeking sugar daddy to make tzimmes together. Prunes need not apply. POB 66.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78.

Jewish man, watches TV on Friday night with time clock, eats fish at non-kosher restaurants, doesn't wear yarmulke at work. Modern Orthodox. POB 98.

Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). POB 766.

Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat. Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage. POB 99.

Kiss me, kiss my mezuzah. Sincere Jewish female, 29, looking for honest, hard working, observant Jewish zivig to share Shabbos, yom tov, mikvah. POB 322.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mench. No weirdos, please. POB 56.

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.

SFDJMBA -- Do I have to spell out everything for you? POB 333.

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.

If I were sour cream and you were a blintze, what kind of filling would you have? Single Jewish woman, loves to cook, wants to satisfy your appetite. POB 987.

BT with TB seeks FFB RN with RX of TLC. Initially I'm a nice guy. POB 676.

80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545.

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76.

I was Queen Esther in my 2nd grade Hebrew school play. Now I'm playing the role in real life. Buy me. Get me. Do me. POB 333.

I get too hungry for Diva at 8. I love The Phantom and never come late. Won't dish the dirt 'cause it's housework I hate. That's why the lady is a JAP. POB 456.

All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out.

Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce. POB 655.

Yeshiva graduate, 38, handsum, carring, sinsere. Wood make gud huzband. Seeks frum girl with publick schul background to help me with my speling. POB 345.

******************************************************************************************************************* :) :) JEWISH HUMOR - ISSUE # 3 - AUGUST, 1996 :) :) -- Here it is -- Issue # 3 of Jewish Humor. Issue # 3 is being sent to a list of over 1,400 subscribers. Gee, I must be doing something right...

-- I have had two people write in and complain that the jokes I am sending out are not Politically Correct. This is not the forum to get into the whole Jewish Humor vs. Politically Correct issue. I don't believe that a list of jokes by Jews, for Jews, to Jews and about Jews is problematic. If I have, inadvertently, insulted anyone with my jokes, I apologize. But hey people, we are here to laugh; so lighten up!!!

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Joke 1/8/96: Last Wish

Terrorists burst into a shul (synagogue) just before Yom Kippur, demanding 20 million dollars and a jet plane in ransom. The Governor, being a tough man, said no. The terrorists then announced that they would kill, in quick succession, 3 people. They

chose the Rabbi, the Cantor, and the Gabbai (sexton). They told the Rabbi: "We're going to kill you first. Any last requests?"

"Only one," said the Rabbi. "All my life I have wanted to give the perfect sermon. This time, for Yom Kippur, I have worked on my sermon for many months. It's really great. Before you kill me, I'd like to give my sermon".

"No problem" said the chief terrorist. "Give your sermon and then we'll kill you".

He turned to the Cantor: "You'll be second to die. Any last requests?"

"Only one" said the Cantor. "All my life I have wanted to sing the perfect Kol Nidre. This year, I have practiced and practiced and have polished it to perfection. Before you kill me, I would like to sing it once".

"No problem", said the terrorist. He then turned to the Gabbai. "You'll be third. Any last wish?"

"Only one", said the Gabbai. "Please kill me first."

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Joke 2/8/96: Mother & Daughter

One day a Jewish Mother and her 8-year-old daughter were walking along the beach, just at the water's edge. Suddenly, a GIGANTIC wave flashed up on the beach, sweeping the little girl out to sea. "Oh, G-d," lamented the mother, turning her face toward heaven and shaking her fist. "This was my ONLY baby. I can't have more children. She is the love and joy of my life. I have cherished every day that she's been with me. Give her back to me, and I'll go to the synagogue every day for the rest of my life!!!!"

Suddenly, another GIGANTIC wave flashed up and deposited the girl back on the sand.

The mother looked up to heaven and said, "She had on a HAT!!!!"

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Joke 3/8/96: Another Last Wish

Three hunters are out on safari -- an American, a Britisher and an Israeli. They are captured by cannibals who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells the hunters the hunter they can have one last wish.

"What's your last request?" he asks the American.

"I'd like a steak," he replies.

So the cannibals kill a zebra and serve the American his steak.

"What do you want?" the cannibal chief asks the Brit.

"I'd like a have smoke on my pipe," which they let him do.

Then the chief asks the Israeli: "What's your last wish?"

"I want you to kick my rear end."

"Be serious," says the top cannibal.

"C'mon, you promised," says the Israeli.

"Oh, all right," says the chief, who delivers the requested kick.

Whereupon, the Israeli pulls out a gun, shoots the chief and a few other cannibals while the rest run away.

The American and Brit are furious. "Why didn't you do that in the first place, so we wouldn't have had to go through all this?" they demand.

Replies the Israeli: "What? Are you mad? The UN would have condemned me as the aggressor."

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Joke 4/8/96: The Three Hasidim

Three Hasidim are each talking about who has the greatest Rebbe: The first one says: "Our Rebbe is so great, we were walking home from schul on Shabbos and it was very hot. We said Rebbe it is so hot what can we do?" The Rebbe stopped and he prayed. And in front of the Rebbe and behind the Rebbe there was heat. And to the right of the Rebbe and to the let of the Rebbe there was heat. And in the area around the Rebbe it became cool and fresh and they all walked home.

The second one says: "That's nothing! We were walking home from schul one Shabbos and it started to rain really hard. And we said Rebbe, we're going to get sick what should we do?" The Rebbe stopped and he prayed. And in front of the Rebbe and behind the Rebbe there was rain. And to the right of the Rebbe and to the left of the Rebbe there was rain. But in the area around the Rebbe, there was no rain, and they all walked home. The third said, "Is that all??" We were walking home from schul on Shabbos, and we spotted a large bag filled with gold coins that was lying in the street. And we said Rebbe, so much money, we could do so much work for the Hasidim, what should we do??" And the Rebbe stopped and he prayed. And in front of the Rebbe and behind the Rebbe there was Shabbos.....

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Joke 5/8/96: A Jew In Paris

A little Jewish lady from the U.S., touristing in Paris, enters a chic confectionery boutique, and says, "Vill you plizz give me a boxl ize-krim, if you dunt mind?"

The clerk behind the counter straightens up and replies, "Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not say 'ize-krim', ve say 'glace'."

"Aw K", says Mrs. Ginsberg, "I'll hev a boxl glace. End if you'll plizz, hendle me also a peckidge cookiss end a boxl kendy."

The clerk replies haughtily, "Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not say 'cookiss', ve say 'pastilles'; and ve do not say 'kendy', ve say 'bonbons'."

"Dot's fine", replies Mrs. Ginsberg, "put in de peckidge pastilles end also a boxl bunbuns. End if you'll dunt mind, repp it opp, I'll take it vit me."

At that, the clerk draws herself up to her full five feet of height, looks Mrs. Ginsberg straight in the eye, and replies, "Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not schlep pekelach!"

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Joke 6/8/96: The Painter

A ba'al tshuvah house (newly observant) painter was meeting with his Rebbe during the Days of Awe, and wondering how he could correct his previous misdeeds.

"Rebbe, I've done awful things as a painter. I've done sloppy jobs, used inferior quality paints and lied about it, I cut my paints with turpentine, and cut corners. How can I make up for these evil deeds that I've committed in a previous life?"

The Rebbe thought for a while, looked at the painter and then pronounced: "Repaint, Repaint, and thin no more."

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Joke 7/8/96: Four Rabbis

So it seems that these four Rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd Rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, G-d!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the Rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from G-d! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the Rabbi prayed again: "Oh, G-d, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, G-d, a bigger sign!"

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. "I told you I was right!" cried the Rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The Rabbi is getting ready to ask for a "very big" sign, but just as he says "Oh G-d..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The Rabbi puts his hands on his hips, turns to the other three, and says, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other Rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2!"

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Joke 8/8/96: Jewish Joke

A man started to tell a joke at a party: "Two old Jews were on their way..." Suddenly he was interrupted by a sensitive guest.

"Why do so many jokes begin with Jews?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," apologized the story teller, "I'll start again.

Two old Chinese men were on their way to the Synagogue to see the Rabbi..."

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Joke 9/8/96: The Yekkie

A Yekkie was planning a train trip from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. He called the travel agent weeks in advance specifying exactly where in the train he wanted to sit, and indicated quite clearly that he wanted his seat to face in the same direction that the train was traveling.

On the day of the trip, he arrived at the station well in advance of the departure time. All the arrangements were fine, except that his seat was facing in the wrong direction; opposite to the one that the train was traveling.

When he arrived in Jerusalem, he called the travel agent, angrily complaining about the seat screw-up. After apologizing profusely, the agent asked him, "why didn't you ask the person who was sitting opposite you to switch seats?"

"I would have" was the reply, "except that the seat was empty".

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Joke 10/8/96: Jewish Lightbulb

Q: How many Jewish mother does it take the change a light bulb?

A: (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody . . .

***** :) :) JEWISH HUMOR - ISSUE # 4 - SEPTEMBER, 1996 :) :) ******

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-- Presenting... Issue # 4 of Jewish Humor. This issue is being

distributed to a mailing list of over 1,600 subscribers!!!

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Joke 1/9/96: Joke for the High Holidays...

A Jewish sailor was shipwrecked on a desert island and the first thing he did was build two synagogues....Years later when he was rescued people were bewildered and asked him: Why he built two synagogues... to which he replied. "Oh that other one... I would NEVER go there!"

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Joke 2/9/96: Heck's Angel

Abe Goldberg was a runty little guy, but a good truck driver. One time he was sitting in a truck stop, sipping his milk, when 3 tough motorcycle punks walked in. They started laughing at him and ranking him out, but he ignored them. Finally, when they "accidentally" knocked over his milk, he got up without a word and walked out. They heard his truck pull away.

Disappointed at the lack of response, the punks said to the bartender "He's not much of a fighter, is he?"

Looking outside, the bartender said "He's not much of a driver either. While driving away, he just totaled 3 motorcycles which were parked in the parking lot."

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Joke 3/9/96: The Jewish Olympics

After reading through the list of this year's Olympic events, it was found that the Olympic Committee has made some significant changes. Some of the less-publicized events of particular interest to the world's Jewish communities, that you may have missed, may be the

following:

Decathlon: Commonly referred to as the world's greatest athlete, this year's decathlete is actually a minyan of ten daveners. Each member of the group will begin davening with ten volumes of Mishnah on his back. Every minute, another volume will be added until a team member can no longer angle the body enough for a complete daven. While yeshiva buchers in Jerusalem are favored to win this event, other teams have promised not to bow down to the opposition - which could be a problem for this particular event.

Oyga Vault: A sound-enhanced Pole Vault competition, the vaulter must clear the bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting the foam pad below. Any heights cleared without an "Oy" will be considered a fault. Points will be added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy," such as "Oy vay iz mir!", "Oy, I've just landed on my shana punim!" or, the winner in the Olympic trials', "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!"

Synchronized Swimming: Taking place in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make a splash. But what do these young ladies do once their act has finished?

Synchronized Tanning: Following the Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten minutes to sunbathe. Their routine must include at least two rollovers as well as application of sunscreen to the ears and nose. An SPF of 15 is the required minimum. Judges will award additional points to those able to tan with a higher SPF number. Points will be deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis.

Team Handball: The goal here is simple: to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team will cook a two liter bowl of matzah ball soup, from scratch. The three winning batches will be fed to the athletes recovering in the infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will be used in the shot put competition.

Triathlon: This year's Triathlon will involve one pound of shnitzel and a serving of tsimmes. The athlete must cook the shnitzel and tsimmes (first part), say a bruchah before eating this kosher meal (second part), and then run a marathon (third part). If the contender forgets to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified, but will still be required to run the marathon.

In addition to the aforementioned events, this year's Games will feature some experimental, non-medal competition:

Bagel Toss: A kosher version of horseshoes, the winner is he/she that first lands a bagel on each of the seven branches of the chanukiah.

Balance Beam: The accountant or bookkeeper that balances my mother's checkbook in the shortest amount of time will be declared winner.

Challah Chap: How long does it take you to remove all the chometz from your house before Pesach? In this competition, each participant must rid a miniature shul of all of its challot, and replace them with matzot.

Dream Team: This year's Dream Team will not consist of the USA's highly favored men's basketball team, but rather, an overpriced team of psychoanalysts that will have three, one hour office visits to analyze and interpret the dreams of this year's Olympic hopefuls.

Moyl Marathon: Each certified moyl must run a marathon and perform a bris at each kilometer mark. This is the only event that allows alcohol - for the babies of course.

Naches Shlep: Designed for bubbies and zaydehs, the proud grandparents will have two minutes to boast about their einiklach.

Rings: No longer part of men's gymnastics, this event now caters to newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks on their fourth fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three c's," color, clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the "three s's," smile, sophistication, and simchas.

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Joke 4/9/96: The Dating Game

It seems Yankel was pushing 25 and he'd never been out on a date. His Rosh Yeshiva calls him into the office one day and says, "Yankel! 18 to the Chuppah! What's going to be already?" Yankel blushes and explains to his Rebbe that he grew up in a house full of brothers, and he's never even spoken to a girl anywhere near his age. He doesn't know what to say to girls. Besides, it would interrupt his learning. The Rosh Yeshiva puts a fatherly arm around him and tells him "Don't worry about your learning, this is a Chiyuv with a capital ches. And as for what to say, you can talk about her family, you can talk about what she likes, and if all else fails you can talk philosophy."

Yankel leaves the Rosh Yeshiva repeating under his breath, "Family, likes, philosophy. Family, likes, philosophy. Family, likes, philosophy." Finally, the day arrives and he goes out on his first shidduch.

The young people sit down in the hotel lobby and look at one another uncomfortably. Yankel realizes that he's going to have to say something, and the first thing on the Rosh Yeshiva's list is family, so he blurts out, "Do you have any brothers?" "No." replies the girl, and silence reigns. Yankel thinks hard, and then comes up with, "Do you like baseball?" "No." is the immediate reply. Now Yankel is really at a loss. Ah yes! Philosophy! So Yankel leans forward, and very intently, in his best talmudic tones, asks "If you had a brother, would he like baseball?"

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Joke 5/9/96: Jewish Dog

A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here." "What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look." And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same

way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "daven!".

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!"

"You speak to him," says the man, "he wants to be a dentist."

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Joke 6/9/96: The Big Squeeze

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little Jewish fellow came into the bar, wearing

thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the Jewish fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little Jewish man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The Jewish fellow replied: "I work for the Jewish National Fund."

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Joke 7/9/96: Divide and Conquer

A Jewish town had a shortage of men for wedding purposes, so they had to import men from other towns. One day a groom-to-be arrived on a train, and two mother-in-laws-to-be were waiting for him, each claiming ownership on him. A rabbi was called to solve the problem. After a few minutes of thought, he said: "If this is the situation, you both want the groom, we'll cut him in half and give each one of you half of him."

To this replied one woman: "If that's the case, give him to the other woman."

The rabbi said: "Do that. The one willing to cut him in half, is the real mother-in-law!"

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Joke 8/9/96: All In A Day's Work

Two beggars were sitting next to each other. One holds a sign saying "Please help the war veteran", and the other holds a sign saying "Please help a poor Jew".

People pass by and even those who didn't intend to give money to any of them, give to the first to upset the Jew. One good man passes by, gives money equally to both, and then says to the Jew: "Why don't you change your sign? Don't you understand that nobody will give you any money?" and walks away.

As he goes, the Jew turns to the other one and says: "Haim, he would teach US business..."

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Joke 9/9/96: May I Take Your Order?

Q - What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?

A - "Is ANYTHING all right?"

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Joke 10/9/96: Bye Bye

A rich husband is driving along with his wife in their Cadillac and talking and having a conversation, and than he is asking his wife:

"Darling, if I lose all my money, Will you still love me?"

She answers: "of course I will, I'll just miss you A LOT!"

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***** :) :) JEWISH HUMOR - ISSUE # 5 - OCTOBER, 1996 :) :) ******

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-- Ready or not -- here it comes: Issue # 5 of Jewish Humor. This issue of Jewish Humor is being distributed to a mailing list of over 1,800 subscribers!!!

Joke 1/10/96: Fore

A Rabbi, A Priest and a Minister were playing golf one day. The foursome in front of them were taking a long time at each hole and finally the Priest went up to them and said " Guys excuse me can you please hurry it up a bit." One of the foursome turned to the Priest and replied " I don't think you noticed but we are all blind. And that is why it is taking such a long time." " God bless you all" replied the Priest. " I'm sorry for complaining. It's truly an inspiration to see you here. Taking your lot in life and making the best of it is a very important thing. It's an honor to share the course with you." The Priest returned to his friends and feeling ashamed about bothering the blind people, didn't tell them what happened. A short while later the Minister went over to ask them to hurry up and had a similar experience. Finally the Rabbi goes over and asks them to hurry . "We are blind" explained the foursome "And that is why we are going so slowly.". To which the Rabbi replied, "Then why the heck don't you play at night?"

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Joke 2/10/96: Jewish Origin of High Tech

Q. What English language edition of Chumash is ideal for the Computer Age:

A. Hertz Edition

Q What is the large print copy called?

A. Mega Hertz Edition

Q What is the large print edition of the Stone Chumash called?

A. Mega-lith Edition Chumash

Q How are they now distributed?

A. As freeware: the five disks of Moses.

Q. What is the most recently compiled edition of the Jewish Knowledge that help reconcile revelation at Sinia with the computer age?

A. "Torah for Dummies" available on CD-Rambam.

Q. Why do we blow the shofar on the day of remembrance?

A. To recall the original ram memory.

Q Why are we sure the computer was a Jewish invention?

A. Every keyboard has a scroll key.

Q. Why are we sure the Internet was a Jewish Invention?

A. Because Jews are known of their large nodes and we have been talking about the promised LAN for over 3000 years...

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Joke 3/10/96: Its About Time...

Q: What do you get when you cross a Russian Jew with a German Jew?

A: Children who are EXACTLY ten minutes late!

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Joke 4/10/96: Tickets, Anyone?

Mr. and Mrs. Greenberg go out to see My Fair Lady on stage. This is the most sold out show of the year, and scalpers are retiring on this one. Somehow, they've lucked into front row seats. But they notice that in the row behind them, there's an empty seat. When intermission comes and no one has sat in that seat, Mrs. Greenberg turns to the woman sitting next to it and asks, "Pardon me, but this is such a sold out show, and in such demand. We were wondering why that seat is empty."

The woman says, "That's my late husband's seat."

Mrs. Greenberg is horrified and apologizes for being so insensitive. But a few minutes later, she turns around again. "Without meaning to be rude or anything, this is an incredibly hard show to get into. Surely you must have a friend or a relative who would have wanted to come and see the show?"

The woman nods, but explains, "They're all at the funeral."

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Joke 5/10/96: From The Great Beyond

For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde who you miss so much!"

Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side. All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom."

Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium...Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel" Milton Pitzel's zayde?"

Milty swallowed the lump in his throad and called, "Grampa? Zayde?"

"Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered.

"Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Zayde, are you happy in the other world?"

"Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!"

A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."

"Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"

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Joke 6/10/96: Truer Words Were Never spoken

A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school. His mother asked, "What is the part you will play, Saul?"

Saul responded, "I shall play the Jewish husband," to which the mother replied,

"Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!"

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Joke 7/10/96: Hamming It Up

A Priest and a Rabbi who met at an ecumenical banquet. The Priest offered the rabbi a platter of ham, to which the Rabbi replied, "Father, you know I keep kosher and don't eat of the cloven footed animal." The priest, insensitively replied, "You should try it sometime, its delicious.

Later, the Rabbi introduced his wife to the Priest and asked him why his wife wasn't in attendance. The Priest huffily replied that he had taken the vow of celibacy, thus could not have a woman. Saith the good Rabbi, "Ah, you should try it sometime. Beats the heck outta ham."

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Joke 8/10/96: My Son The...

Two elderly Jewish ladies meet on a street corner.

"So Sadie, how's by you I haven't seen you in years?"

"Marvelous, Rivkeh, things couldn't be better! My son Harold is an Accountant making lots of money. My daughter Cynthia married a rich man, and both of my children have given me beautiful grandchildren and so much naches...but enough about my joys...so what's by you and your family?"

"Oy Sadie, don't ask! Me, I have such tsores!"

"Nu Rivkeh, I'm so sorry to hear that; but what kind of tsores?"

"It's my son Arnold. He revealed to us that he's a faygeleh."

"Oy, a faygeleh, what a disaster!"

"I know, but we do have a consolation..."

"Vos for a consolation with a faygeleh?"

"Well, he's going with such a nice Jewish boy who's going to be a

doctor!"

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Joke 9/10/96: What's In A Name?

Mr. Goldstein was awarded the job to paint the local Catholic Church and Convent. After several days on the job, the Mother Superior called him into her office."Mr. Goldstein," she said I would like you to please change three things in the performance of your job.

Number one, please remove your painter's cap when you enter the sanctuary. Number two, please refrain from washing the paint off your hands in the Holy Water. and Number Three. Please stop calling me MOTHER SHAPIRO!!!!!

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Joke 10/10/96: Tashlich - Its Never Too Late To Repent...

For ordinary sins, use - White Bread

For exotic sins - French or Italian Bread

For dark sins - Pumpernickle

For complex sins - Multi-grain

For truly warped sins - Pretzels

For sins of indecision - Waffles

For sins committed in haste - Matza

For substance abuse - Poppy Seed

For committing arson - Toast

For being ill-tempered - Sourdough

For silliness - Nut Bread

For not giving full value - Short Bread

For political chauvanisim - Yankee Doodles

For excessive use of irony - Rye Bread

For continueal bad jokes - Corn Bread

For hardening our hearts - Jelly doughnuts

For speed limit violations - Russian Bread

For bad temper - Crusty Bread

For having a hole where your heart should be - Bagels

For flaunting wealth in the form of fancy cars - Rolls

For acting like a mad person - Crackers

For cutting remarks - Sliced Bread

For fraudulent behaviour - Rice cakes

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***** :) :) JEWISH HUMOR - ISSUE # 6 - NOVEMBER, 1996 :) :) *****

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Here It Is... Better Later Than Never... Issue # 6 of Jewish Humor. This month's issue is being sent out one week late due to a trip of mine to the United States. I hope it was worth waiting for. I have finally caught up on my correspondence and updated the list. There are now over 2,000 subscribers to Jewish Humor.

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Joke 1/11/96: The Night Before Chanukah

'Twas the night before Chanukah, boychicks and maidels

Not a sound could be heard, not even the draidels.

The Menorah was set on the chimney, alight

In the kitchen the Bubba hut gechapt a bite.

Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay

And zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!

Gezunt and geschmack, the kinderlech felt

While dreaming of tagelach and Chanukah gelt.

The clock on the mantlepiece away was tickin'

And Bubba was serving a schtickala chicken.

A tumult arose like a thousand brauches,

Santa had fallen and broken his tuches.

I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,

While Bubba was now on the herring and rye.

I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gotkes

While Bubba was busy devouring the latkes.

To the window I ran and to my surprise

A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.

Then he got to the door and saw the Menorah,

"Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenehora.

I thought I was in a goyisha hoise,

But as long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."

With much gesshray, I asked, "Du bist a Yid?"

"Avada, mein numen is Schloimey Claus, kid."

"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish,

A guppell, a schtickala fish."

With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,

Chopped liver, knaidlach and kreplah gegessen.

Along with his meal, he had a few schnapps,

When it came to eating, this boy was the tops.

He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,

But they were so hot, he yelled "Oy Gevalt."

Unbuttoning his haizen, he rose from the tisch,

And said, "Your Kosher essen is simply delish."

As he went to the door, he said "I'll see you later,

I'll be back next Pesach, in time for the Seder."

More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,

As he whistled and shourted and called them by name:

"Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzak, now Sammy,

Now Irving and Maxie, and Moishe and Mannie."

He gave a gesshray as he drove out of sight:

"Gooten Yontiv to all, and to all a good night."

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Joke 2/11/96: Oy Yoy Yoy

Three bubbes sitting on a park bench.

The first one lets out a heartfelt "Oy!"

A few minutes later, the second bubbe sighs deeply and says "Oy vey!"

A few minutes after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, "Oy veyizmir!"

To which the first bubbe replies: "I thought we agreed we weren't going to talk about our children!"

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Joke 3/11/96: Man and Wife

An Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a construction site with his wife. One of the construction workers stops and calls out to the woman.

"What's new, Sara?"

"Why, it's nice to see you again Avi," the woman replies. She turns to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes. After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to ask how she knows him.

"Oh," she said. "We went together in high school. I even thought about marrying him."

The husband began to laugh. "You don't realize how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!"

The wife replied without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married him, he'd now be a mayor!"

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Joke 4/11/96: What's In A Name?

A young Jewish guy develops a crush on a girl, but when he tells his Father about her, the old boy just wants to know her family name. When the young guy tells him that the girl's name is Ford, the old boy tells him that Ford is not a good Jewish name, and he must forget her, and go and find a nice Jewish girl. So time passes, and the young guy finds another girl, but her name is Austin, so his Father tells him the same thing, to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name. So more time passes, and the young guy finds another girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg !" exclaims his Father, "This makes me very happy because it is a real good Jewish name, and from a good established family" Then he asks what her first name is. "Is it one of my favourite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca ?" "No Father" replied the young guy. "It's Whoopi"

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Joke 5/11/96: Ouch!

Q. What is the difference between heroin and Abraham?

A. One is the juice of the poppy; the other is the Poppy of the Jews.

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Joke 6/11/96: Ten Ways To Mispronounce 'Bibi Netanyahu'

10. Yahu Netanbibi

9. Bibi Netan Yo Yo Ma

8. Betty Needs a Yoo-Hoo

7. "Weird Bibi" Netanyankovic

6. Yahootie and the Bibi-Fish

5. To Bibi or Not to Bibi

4. The Unabibi

3. Baby, I'm-a Want You

2. Boutros Boutros Yahu

1. Snoop Bibi Bib

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Joke 7/11/96: All In A Days's Work

Three bubbes were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, " You know my son, he graduated fist in his class from Stanford, he's now a doctor making $250,000 a year in Chicago"

The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard, he's now a lawyer making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles." The last woman says, " you know my son, he never did too well is school, he never went to any university but he now makes 1 million dollars a Year in New York working as a sports repairman"

The other two women ask "Vos is a sports repairman?" The Bubbe replies, "He fixes hockey games, football games, baseball games,...."

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Joke 8/11/96: A Word To The Wise

These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?" The owner looks around and leans in so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

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Joke 9/11/96: Election Day

The first Jewish President is elected. He calls his Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."

"I don't know, what would I wear?"

"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker"

"But I only eat kosher food"

"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food"

"But how will I get there?"

"I'll send a limo, just come mama"

"Ok Ok, if it makes you happy.

The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on her right. "You see that boy, the one with his hand on the Bible"

"His brother's a doctor!"

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Joke 10/11/96: From The Source

Did you know that when Avraham Avinu was pleading with the Almighty, saying "I am but dust and ashes," his little old 286 computer was davening right alongside of him also? It was saying, "I am but DOS and ASCII..."

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***** :) :) JEWISH HUMOR - ISSUE # 7 - DECEMBER, 1996 :) :) *****

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Welcome to Issue # 7 of Jewish Humor. This issue is being sent to 2,200+ subscribers. Enjoy it! Pass it on!

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Joke 1/12/96: What's In A Name - Revisited

An American Indian comes back to the Reservation to visit with his parents after spending some time in New York. He says to his father that he's fallen in love with a nice Jewish girl. His father is mortified and says " You're betraying your heritage and you'll break your mother's heart that you're not marrying a nice Indian girl. You know how Jews are, they'll feel the same way and you'll be ostracized in both camps." The son reassures his father, "Don't worry. They must have already accepted the situation because they have already given their daughter an Indian name." "Really?" says the father. "What name?" The son answers, "Sitting Shiva".

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Joke 2/12/96: Exodus - In Computer Command Language

Release ISRAEL

ISRAEL running in slave mode, cannot release

Set ISRAEL;mode=master

Pharaoh already running in master mode,

cannot change ISRAEL

Set Pharaoh;mode=slave

Command ignored

Load Moshe/Moses

Done

Deactivate Pharaoh

Pharaoh account hard locked;cannot be deactivated

For i=1 to 10 do plagues

Are you sure? Y

Done

Release ISRAEL

error: ISRAEL uninitialized

Set ISRAEL = 600,000

Done

Release ISRAEL

ISRAEL released

Declare Matza;array(width=20,length=20,height=0)

Done

Move ISRAEL to Sinai

OPERATOR WARNING! SYSTEM ABOUT TO CRASH! PHARAOH AND RED SEA

HAVE LIMITED YOUR MEMORY SPACE! SAVE YOUR WORK!

Save ISRAEL

Specify save device

Save ISRAEL with miracle

Done

Move ISRAEL to Sinai

Done

For I=1 to 10 do commandments

Allocation conflict:Commandments cannot be operated with

active golden calf routine

Destroy calf

Done

For I=1 to 10 do commandments

Done; commandments stored on hard rock device

Move ISRAEL to desert

Warning! Command could lead to infinite loop

Move ISRAEL to desert;limit=40 years

Done

Build Mishkan

Syntax error

Build Mishkan; owner=Betzalel

Done

Move ISRAEL to ISRAEL

Warning: operand terms must be unique

Move ISRAEL to CANAAN

Overload: cannot move all of ISRAEL to CANAAN

set ISRAEL = ISRAEL - (SPIES * 10)

Done

Move ISRAEL to CANAAN

Done

Happy Pesach/Passover

To you too

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Joke 3/12/96: What's A Nice Jewish Boy...

An American Jew decided to send his son to Israel to study and to become a better Jew. After few years, when the son comes back, the father was surprised to learn that his son became Catholic. Terrorized he tells the story to his neighbor.

"You know?! I sent my son to Israel and he came back Catholic..."

The neighbor replied: "You know my son?! I sent him to Israel few years ago to become a better Jew, and he came back Catholic as well. Isn't it strange?!"

"Yes! strange indeed, let's ask the Rabbi for the reason", said the first Jew.

Both men go to the Rabbi and tell him the story. Then the Rabbi replies: "Oy vey! You know my son Ezra?! I sent him to Israel few years ago to become a better Jew, and he came back a Catholic!"

"What should we do Rabbi?!" asked the two men.

"I should ask G-d's advice." said the Rabbi.

The Rabbi raise his head and asks G-d: "Oh dear G-d, how come we send our sons to Israel to become better Jews and they return Catholic?!"

Then G-d replied: "Oh Rabbi, you know my son, Jesus...!"

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Joke 4/12/96: A Penny Saved

Abe's son arrives home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face. "Dad, you'll be so proud of me" he says, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home".

"Oy" says Abe, "You could have run behind a taxi and saved $20"

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Joke 5/12/96: Teed Off

O'Reilly and Robinson are playing golf one day. Neither of them are that good, but while playing, in the distance they see a Hassid playing and extraordinary game of golf. O'Reilly turns to Robinson and says: Robinson, would you look at that guy dressed in black... boy how I would like to play golf like him.

The next day, O'Reilly and Robinson play again and see the Hassid, again, playing a tremendous game of golf. O'Reilly again turns to Robinson and says: "I can't stand this, I really have to find out how that guy dressed in black knows how to play golf so well." "So why don't you ask him," Robinson says. "I will," says O'Reilly.

O'Reilly runs over to the Hassid and says: "Hey, tell me something, how come you play golf so well? I have never ever seen anyone play golf that way, I would give anything to be able to play golf like that." The Hassid answers: It's not so easy my son, you have to work very hard, study many years in a special Yeshiva in Flatbush, pass all your oral exams, become a Jew, then become a learned Rabbi, and only then will you master the game of golf.

"Anything it takes," O'Reilly insists. He anxiously takes the instructions to the Yeshiva, thanks the Hassid and leaves the golf course.

After years of studying, then converting, and becoming a learned Rabbi, O'Reilly anxiously returns to the golf course hoping to master the game of golf. He starts his game but doesn't seem to have improved. Actually, he has gotten worse! In the mean time, he sees the same Hassid in the distance playing a perfect game.

Mad as hell, he runs over to the Hassid and tells him that he has been studying for years, but that his golf game has not improved, and actually, has gotten worse. The Hassid scratches his head, paces around for a while, and finally says: "Are you sure you studied all the laws and halachas of Judaism at the Shomer Torah Yeshiva that I sent you to in Flatbush?" No, O'Reilly exclaimed, "I studied all the laws and halachas of Judaism at the Shomrei Emuna Yeshiva that you sent me to in Flatbush."

"No wonder your golf game hasn't improved," the Hassid signed, "I sent you to the tennis Yeshiva by accident.

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Joke 6/12/96: Backwards

An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered "I wear this collar because I am a Father". The Jewish man thought a second and responded " Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the father for many". The Jewish man quickly answered " I too am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?" The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people." The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."

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Joke 7/12/96: Got any Cash?

A Lebanese Arab emigrated to America sixty years ago and accumulated great wealth. Upon his death the rich man's will stipulated that his hundred million dollar bequest was to be divided equally among his three closest friends: a Catholic, A Protestant and a Jew. There was only one small provision: each of the heirs was required to deposit one hundred thousand dollars in the coffin before it was lowered into the ground. This act, according to the deceased's statement, was to prove their good faith while the will was in probate. As the coffin was about to be closed for the last time, the Catholic quickly deposited his hundred thousand dollars into the casket. The Protestant followed suit and placed his hundred thousand dollars besides the Catholic's money. Then the Jew reached into the coffin, withdrew the two hundred thousand dollars in cash and replaced it with a check for three hundred thousand dollars.

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Joke 8/12/96: Brother - Can You Spare A Dime?

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.

The man asked, "G-d, what's a million years to you?"

And G-d said "A minute."

Then the man asked:

"Well, what's a million dollars to you?"

and G-d said: "A penny"

Then the man asked:

"G-d.....can I have a penny?"

And G-d said:

"Sure.....In a minute."

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Joke 9/12/96: Chanukah Gelt

It was two days before Chanukah and Mr. Feldman, quite downcast, was trudging home. "Where will I get money to buy presents for the holiday?" he asked himself sadly, thinking of his wife and children. On the way, he passed a church, in front of which was a sign: One Hundred Dollars Cash To Anyone Who Joins This Church Today! Here was the solution to Feldman's problem! He went in, joined, and was given the hundred dollars as the sign promised. That evening, at supper, he told his family how he had come by his sudden wealth. "And here's the hundred," he announced grandly, waving the money before them.

"Darling," said his wife, "you remember that coat you promised me three years ago? Well it's on sale at Macy's."

"How much is it?"

"Only fifty dollars, and it's worth at least eighty five."

Feldman peeled off five tens and gave them to her.

The son spoke up. "Pop, for a long time I've been saving up to buy one of those English bikes with ten gear shifts. I already have most of the money, but I need a little more."

"How much more?"

"Twenty five dollars."

Feldman handed over the money.

"Daddy," said his teen age daughter, "next week our school is having the most important dance of the whole year. If I don't have a new dress, I'll simply die."

"Don't die Sweetheart. How much is the dress?"

"Only twenty five dollars, Daddy dear."

Feldman handed over the remaining twenty five dollars, leaned back and grinned. "It never fails," he announced. "The minute we Gentiles have a little money, you Jews take it away from us!"

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Joke 10/12/96: The Good Book Says

Rabbi Tarfon of Bet She'an said of Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of Tiverya: It is said that in those days Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of Tiverya designed a web site for the mother of his father, Sarah the daughter of Pinchas, who begat Yechezkel, who begat Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of Tiverya. Thus Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of Tiverya performed the mitzvah of web site design.

Rabbi Michal ben Elkanah, who only had one eye, said: But is it not also said that in those days there was no web, only gopher?

Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron said: It is true, but as it is written: "Aweb browser may also use the gopher protocol, in addition to the HTTP protocol."

Rabbi Eliezer asked: Why does it specifically mention that the webbrowser may also use the gopher protocol, when it is written elsewhere that a web browser may use any protocol? Because the gopher protocol is especially meritorious, since it enables support of legacy systems. One time a poor man came into the home of Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron and asked for two megabytes of disk space on the web site of Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron. Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron refused the man, but instead gave him a personal web server for his own use. At this point Rabbi Yehudah ben Yerachmiel asked Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron: Why did you refuse this man's request, but instead give him a personal web server for his own use? Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron replied: It [the Mishnah] teaches: "When a poor man comes into your home and asks for disk space on your web site, first ascertain whether he is going to use it for his own purpose or for the purpose of idol worship. If he is going to use it for his own purpose, grant him the space he asks,unless it exceeds twenty ephraot [one ephrah ~ 213 kilobytes], in which case you may refer him to a local Internet service provider, for as it is written: It is not upon you to complete the task, but neither are you free to desist from it. If he is going to use it for the purpose of idol worship, then do not give him the space, but instead rebuke him, that he might see the error of his ways and refrain from idol worship."

Rabbi Gideon of Sh'chem disagreed, saying: It [the Mishnah] also teaches: "When a poor man requests space on an FTP server, you must grant it without asking why he is going to use it." Why would the Mishnah impose requirements on a web server but not an FTP server?

Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron said: Rabbi Eliezer said: Why does it specifically mention that the web browser may also use the gopher protocol, when it is written elsewhere that a web browser may use any protocol? Because the gopher protocol is especially meritorious, since it enables support of legacy systems. Similarly, the FTP protocol is especially meritorious. Therefore, it is unfair to deny a poor man access to FTP, whereas it is sometimes permitted to refrain from giving a poor man access to HTTP, because without HTTP he can still serve files using FTP, but without FTP he will be unable to put his files on the server, since the means for saving files over HTTP are unreliable.

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***** :) :) JEWISH HUMOR - ISSUE # 8 - JANUARY, 1997 :) :) *****

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-- Welcome to Issue # 8 of Jewish Humor - the biggest and best Jewish Humor list in the world!!! This issue is being sent to well over 2,500 subscribers. Enjoy it! Pass it on!

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Joke 1/1/97: Its Never Too Late

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90 I expected G-d to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that G-d is very busy and must have forgotten about me ..... and I don't want to remind Him."

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Joke 2/1/97: Business Partners

Cohen & Levy are both in the antique business across the street from each other, and have been for years. Cohen hates Levy - he thinks he's a gonniff & a liar & an ignorant bum, and says so publicly. Levy thinks the same about Cohen. One day Levy leaves the door open to his shop and goes out for a few minutes. Cohen takes the opportunity to walk across the street and steal a magic lantern Levy has in the window. He gets it back to his shop and can't resist rubbing it. Naturally a genie pops out of the lantern.

"Cohen", says the genie, "because you have released me from a thousand years of confinement in the lantern, I will grant you one wish - anything you want - money, power, fame, anything. But because the lamp belongs to Levy, whatever it is you get, Levy will get twice as much."

"You mean," says Cohen, "if I ask for a million dollars, Levy gets two million?"

"That's right," says the genie, "and if you ask for a beautiful woman, Levy gets two beautiful women."

"All right, genie," says Cohen. "I know what I want."

"What's that?"

"I wish I were half dead."

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Joke 3/1/97: It Pays To Advertise

Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising. Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was

- a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."

The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad. A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture of the same cross, empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below... and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."

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Joke 4/1/97: What's For Dinner?

The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.

"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?"

Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly."

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Joke 5/1/97: Son-In-Law

Mr. Shwatrz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol. He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So nu, tell me Sol my boy what do you do?

"I study the Torah," he replies.

"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?"

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says G-d will provide."

"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Shwartz.

"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says G-d will provide."

Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like.

"Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm G-d."

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Joke 6/1/97: Home, Sweet Home

A good, old American Jew felt the death is close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.

The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He called upon his sons and told them: " Take me quickly back to the United States."

The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!'

"Yes," answered the father, to die it's OK but to live here....!?"

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Joke 7/1/97: To Err Is Human

So the Synagogue got really fed up with its Rabbi. The Executive Committee met and none-too-reluctantly, concluded that they'd have to let him go. Trouble was - who'd want to take him - especially if it got out that he'd been fired? So the Executive Committee decided to give him a glowing letter of recommendation. It compared the Rabbi to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself. The recommendation was so warm that within six weeks the Rabbi succeeded in securing himself a pulpit in a major upwardly-mobile Synagogue 500 miles away, at twice his original salary and with three junior Rabbis working under him. Needless to say, in a couple of months the Rabbi's new employers began to observe some of his imperfections. The President of the Rabbi's new pulpit angrily called the President of the old Synagogue charging "We employed this man mostly on the basis of your recommendation. How could you possibly compare him to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself, when he can't string together a correct sentence in English, when his knowledge of Hebrew is worse than mine and that on top of everything else, he's a liar, a cheat and an all-round low-life ?"

"Simple," answered his colleague. "Like Shakespeare he has no Hebrew or Jewish knowledge. Like Moses, he can't speak English, and like G-d Himself - 'Er is nisht kan mentch (He's not a human being!)."

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Joke 8/1/97: Good News And Bad News

Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible: Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above:

"You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news." Moses was staggered. The voice continued:

"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs"

"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust."

"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land."

Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's.... that's fantastic. I can't believe it! --- But what's the bad news?"

"You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement."

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Joke 9/1/97: Why Did The Jewish Chicken Cross The Road ???

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Abraham And G-d appeared to me and said, Abraham, Abraham, take the chicken, thy only chicken, that thou lovest, and take it across the road...

Shulamit Aloni I'll eat as many chickens as I like on Yom Kippur, it's nothing to do with the Haredim what I do in my home...

Baal Shem Tov There was once a chicken in Medzibozh...

Ben & Jerry New Launch: Grandma's Funky Chicken Soup Ice Cream, or Funky Chicken for short. 20 cents per tub to the Environmental Chicken Fund

David Bar-Ilan This question represents the worst sort of gross anti-semitism on the part of the world's media. Reuters is particularly culpable...

Edgar Bronfman I shall be taking this matter up, on behalf of the WJC, with President Clinton, the Pope, and whoever's head of Russia this week...

Charles Bronfman Forget the chicken! Let's get these teenagers to Israel: just think what will happen if they see an ISRAELI chicken crossing the road...

Buber I and Thou, Chicken

Shlomo Carlebach Yannani nini nini; yannani nini nini; yannani nini, yannani nini, yi nini nini; yini yannani yannani, yi ninininini, yanani yanani yi ni ni ni ni ni, yanani, yanani yininininini.....

Bill Clinton Chaverim, I'd like to share with you a dvar torah on this important sh'eylah...

Hillary Clinton I know we had Jewish friends at Yale but this is getting ridiculous!

Complete Artscroll Siddur Bend once when the chicken goes onto the road (bending first at the knees, bending fully as it takes its second step); bend again as it reaches the middle of the road (only a half bow); bend a third time as it nears the other side. If it gets across without being run over, say also a shehecheyanu (p358); unless the congregation is saying brochos before and after the shema, in which case no interruption, even for a brocha, is permitted. No brocha is said on yontef, rosh chodesh, or during the entire month of nissan. On erev Yom Kippur the chicken may be used for kapporos.

G-d Thou Shalt Cross The Road !!

Ibn Ezra It was not a specific chicken, it was any chicken (cf. Rashi)

Fackenheim We must all help the chicken across the road, whether the chicken wants to or not; to fail to do so would be to grant motorized vehicles a posthumous victory. The responsibility to help the chicken across the road is holy; it is not negotiable; it is the 615th Commandment...

Viktor Frankl It was searching for meaning.

Arthur Green A contemporary Jewish theology must incorporate the chicken's need to cross the road, even if we don't fully understand why it wanted to cross the road in the first place.

Blu Greenberg In the first ten years or so of our marriage, Yitz and I didn't really focus on this question, we lived quite conventional Jewish lives, and had chicken soup every Friday night. I remember quite clearly the moment at which I first began seriously to think about this important question in a radically new light.... Nevertheless I want to emphasize that in my view a synthesis of orthodoxy, feminism and the rights of the chicken is absolutely possible, difficult though this may sometimes seem in practice.

Yitz Greenberg There have been three quite distinct historical Jewish responses to this question...

Bonna Haberman What's most important is that chickens be able to daven freely at the kotel...

David Hartman As I was saying to Shimon, Yitzhak, Ezer Weizman, Edgar Bronfman and the Pope, all of whom wanted to know my views on this subject... That reminds me, Motti, I want two chickens! And three bottles of wine!!

Herzl One day, chicken, you WILL reach the other side. You may not believe it; others may not believe it; but fifty years from now...

Hillel If I am not for the chicken, then who will be? But if I am only for the chicken, then what am I? And if it doesn't cross now, when?

Meir Kahane The only good chicken is a dead chicken.

Yeshayahu Leibowitz Stupid question. We simply follow the halacha. The chicken crosses the road. That's it.

Michael Lerner When I was the leading chicken's rights activist in the 60's, I actively studied the question. In the politics of meaning, no chickens will have to cross the road if they don't want to...

Yediot Aharonot Chicken Run Over By Mack Truck!!! Graphic photos, pages 1,2,3,4 and 5; The Sex Life Of The Chicken,pages 6 and 7; other news, pages 8 & 9.

Moses And the L-rd said: "Thou shalt cross the road"

Orthodox rabbi A very interesting sh'eyla. There are many different halachic opinions on this vital question for our time. In my tshuva I shall review the opinions of the tannaim, amoraim, rashi, ralbag, ramban, rambam, the ger, the gor, the grib, the grilbag, the grandpa, grodzinskis, my grocer, jerry garcia, and heilige harav hagaon hashlita rebbe mashiach mendel shneerson...zt'l.

Israeli Ashkenazi Chief Rabbi............There can be no answer to this or any other question until this government increases allocations to the yeshivot immediately, fires Shimon Shetreet, and ends all archeological digs...

Israeli Sephardi Chief Rabbi...........There can be no answer to this question until I consult with Arye Deri. He's awaiting a jail sentence for fraud? err, let me get back to you...

Pinchas Peli I was privileged to hear the Rav, Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, speak on this subject. His discourses, which lasted several hours, were an experience which represented an exquisite and unparalleled combination of erudition, western philosophy, Torah learning and knowledge of poultry...

Shimon Peres Yitzhak Rabin, zichrono livracha, would have wanted the chicken to cross the road; it is our duty to unite together to see that it comes to pass..

Letty Cottin Pogrebin ...........In the early days on Ms magazine I cared more about women than chickens; but I see now that this was a sort of false consciousness, an anti-chickenism within the movement...

Reform Rabbi Because it wanted to; in the modern era we all have autonomy, including chickens. And if any "orthodox" institution attempts to stop chickens crossing the road we will protest at this outrageous infringement of religious, civil and poultry freedoms...

Steven Spielberg I'm covering this in my new movie, Raiders of the Lost Chicken-Coop, from which all profits will go to my new Chicken Foundation (which my mother, who has experience in these things, is going to head).

Adin Steinsaltz See my book, The Many Petalled Chicken.

Ezer Weizman Grunt [expletive deleted]

Kafka ........... I woke up one morning to discover that I had been turned into a chicken. I immediately felt a compulsion to cross the road. I can not say why.

Uzi Meshullam..........The chicken was abducted from it's true Yemenite owners, and it was crossing the road in an attempt to find it'sway home. And I'll kill anyone who says otherwise.

Judah ha-Levi...........My road is the East, but my chicken is in the farthest West.

Woody Allen.......I mean, it was, it was... a chicken... of legal consenting age. It wasn't like it was my REAL daughter or anything. The heart wants what it wants. (And don't believe anything that Mia says about me.)

Bibi Netanyahu.......Most Israelis on the left mistakenly think that they want the chicken to cross the road. But not to let them get to the other side. And that's not really crossing the road. That's why I say it's better to keep them in the coop.

Sarah Netanyahu.......You, Chicken, are the WORST %#*@ing housekeeper, EVER!!!! YOU'RE FIRED!!!!

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Joke 10/1/97: Only Four More Months Until Passover!!!

The winter of 1994 was tough on many of Europe's root crops. A week before Passover the Jewish Community of Madrid found that the shipment of horseradish it had ordered from Bolivia would now not arrive until ten days after the Passover ended.

The community needed the horseradish for its traditional paschal ritual of Marror, but whomever they tried approaching from among the EU suppliers, they received the same reply "Sorry! No can do." In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv - who happened to be the second cousin of the Mashgiach for Agrexco - and begged him to organize the despatch of a crate of Israeli horseradish roots, by air-freight to Madrid.

It took the friend two days to organize, and two days before Passover, a crate of grade A tear-jerking Israeli horseradish roots was proudly loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto the El-Al flight 789 to Madrid, and all seemed to be well.

Unfortunately when the Rabbi came to Madrid Airport in order to take the crate out of Customs, he was informed that an unforseen wildcat strike had just broken out among the members of the airport's Transport and General Workers Union, and no shipments would be unloaded for at least four days.

So you see, "the chraine in Spain stayed mainly on the plane!"

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***** :) :) JEWISH HUMOR - ISSUE # 10 - MARCH, 1997 :) :) *****

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-- Welcome to Issue # 10 of Jewish Humor. This issue is being sent to over 3,500 subscribers. Enjoy the issue! Pass it on!

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Joke 1/3/97: The Number You Have Reached...

Hello, you have reached the office of the New York Board of Rabbis. Our Rabbi is ready to answer any of your questions.

If you are Orthodox, press 6, 1, 3.

If you are Conservative, press 1 or 2.

If you are Reform, press any button you like.

If you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons.

If you are Lubavitch, please wait a moment for the Moshiach to answer.

(Beep)

Hello, you have reached the Orthodox Rabbi.

The answer to your question is that it is absolutely forbidden by the Torah. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8.

(Beep)

Hello, you have reached the Conservative Rabbi. The answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer is acceptable to some of us and neither answer is acceptable to all of us. We hope that this has been helpful.If you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8.

(Beep)

Hello, you have reached the Reform Rabbi. The answer to your question is: If you want to, sure! Why not? Who are we to say? However, if you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8.

(Beep)

Hello, you have reached the Reconstructionist Rabbi. The answer to your question presumes that there is an answer. We have not decided that issue yet. However, my role is to empower you to answer your own question. To answer your own question now, please hang up....if you are still there.

(Click)

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Joke 2/3/97: The Lightbulb Joke

Q. How many Lubavitchers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. 1,000,001; one to change it and the others to go around telling everyone else to change their lightbulbs!

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Joke 3/3/97: School Time

The little Orthodox Jewish boy, David was having trouble at school, in fact he was kicked out of the school. His parents not knowing what to do asked a social worker. She said, "for the good of the child he must go to a public school, you see he needs more freedom to express himself!" The parents are in shock, our boy in a public school???!!

In the end, they sent David to the school. The second day this third grader was expelled. The parents returned to the social worker asking what to do now. "You see," the social worker says, "David really needs more structure, and it was my mistake. You must send him to a military academy." "What our son in the army..."

They send him to the academy and after 2 days he's court-martialed and expelled. Not knowing what to do they go back to the social worker. She says, "There is only one alternative, that's a Catholic school."

The parents are in shock, "our child David, going to them!!" But in the end they send him. David becomes the perfect student. At the end of the year the seniors ask him to speak to the graduating class.

First, the parents ask him, "nu, David, first our school, then the public school, then the military school, nothing worked. Why all of a sudden, with the Catholics you become the model student??

David looks at his father and says "Dad, the first day the mother superior sat me down in the chair and pointed above the chalkboard and said, 'see that, that's the last Jewish boy that misbehaved here'".

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Joke 4/3/97: What's In A Name?

Mr. Finklestein makes Jesus a beautiful shroud. People see Jesus walking around in his shroud and ask where he got it. Jesus says he got it from Finklestein who made it for him. Jesus shows off his shroud to the 12 apostles and they want their own, so Finklestein makes 12 shrouds for them. Jesus tells Finklestein they should go into business together because Finklestein is good at making shrouds and Jesus is excellent at promotion. Finkelstein agrees and says "Yes, we'll call our business Finklestein & Jesus". Jesus replied "How about Jesus and Finklestein?". After a couple of hours of negotiating on the name of their new business,

they compromised: LORD & TAYLOR

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Joke 5/3/97: Halachos of Coffee

In his treatise, HaKafe v'haMitzvot, R. Aaron Schuman writes: It was revealed at Mount Sinai that Hashem ordained that heat shall flow from hotter regions to colder. This revelation was preserved as a secret teaching until R Josiah Gibbowitz (z"l) inscribed it as Hashem's 2nd Commandment of Thermodynamics. There is a little known mitzvah, "Thou shalt never stir the cream into thy morning coffee; thereby shall you observe convection currents and remember My second commandment of thermodynamics." (Since this is a time-bound mitzvah, women are exempt.) The parenthetical remark seemed incorrect, a little further research uncovers a rich tradition of Jewish law brewing around this allegedly "secret teaching."

Even if we understand that this mitzvah only applies to coffee drunk in the morning, women are only exempt from mitzvot aseh shehazman grama [time-bound commandments phrased as "thou shalt"], whereas this is a mitzvat lo taaseh [phrased as "thou shalt not"]. Therefore we conclude that women are equally bound to contemplate convection currents. R. Chama bar Karkar argues that this mitzvah is not really time-bound at all.

What if one only drinks coffee after supper? The mitzvah applies to kos rishon (the first cup of coffee in each day), whether drunk in the morning, afternoon or evening. Some delay drinking kos rishon until later in the day, when they have more time to observe the swirling patterns at greater length. Do we not pray in the Amida: "v tovotecha shebehol eyt, erev vavoker vatzohoraim" [(we thank you...) for your goodness at all times evening, morning and afternoon]? And is not coffee with cream one of G-d's goodnesses? Therefore our sages maintain that this mitzvah applies to coffee drunk at any time, not only kos rishon. (Halacha follows this opinion.) Once again, women and men are both obligated in this mitzvah. Are Jews, then, commanded to drink coffee? No, but those who do are considered praiseworthy. What of those who do not drink coffee? They are obligated to contemplate the coffee of a friend, and to refrain from stirring it (masechet Shotah, perek Shtayim Shotim B'kos, mishnah kaf-he). May one contemplate the coffee of a non-Jew? Rambam notes that coffee has never been used in avodah zarah [idol worship], so one may contemplate it. The RiTzPa notes that one may not drink it unless it was prepared and served in kosher vessels, but one may contemplate it even in unkosher vessels. Later commentators note that Ashkenazim do not do this, and Sephardim only do it when it will annoy Ashkenazim.

May one prepare the coffee, refrain from stirring, yet not drink? Bet Hillel say that such a person is yotze, as long as one observes the convection currents and remembers the 2nd Commandment of Thermodynamics. Bet Shammai say that one must drink as well. (As usual, we follow Bet Hillel.) Rashi comments that although one need not drink the coffee, the coffee must not be wasted, lest we transgress bal tashchit [do not destroy].

What of coffee drunk following a meat meal? Since real cream is forbidden in this circumstance, may one observe the mitzvah with pareve ersatz cream? Rambam says no, since the principle of hiddur mitzvah [beautifying a commandment] demands that we use the tastiest ingredients we can afford, and mocha mix is inferior to authentic cream. Hence we do not serve coffee after meat. (Black coffee does not fulfill the mizvah.) Mishnah Brewrah notes that those who are especially pious refrain from eating meat at any time so that they will always be ready to observe this mitzvah with real cream. So important is real cream that even skim milk is unacceptable (except for those with certain medical conditions). Concerning hiddur mitzvah, the Kos Tam (R. Yuban Chockfullanussen) argues that in addition to fine quality coffee and cream, one must also use fine implements. Not only must the coffee be served in a delicate cup (with a saucer!), but when one refrains from stirring, one must refrain from stirring with a

silver spoon. To refrain with a wooden or plastic stick, when a fine spoon

was available, shows disrespect for the Torah and brings disgrace on one's

family.

One should take care to avoid spilling any coffee on the unused stirring implement, so that nobody will see it and conclude (erroneously) that stirring is permissible. Likewise, although one may first stir sugar into coffee and then refrain from stirring after adding cream, those who are strict do not do this, to avoid wetting the stirrer. Neither may one stir the coffee first, and then pour in cream while the coffee is still in motion relying on turbulence to mix the cream. The Torah is explicit that the purpose is to observe convection currents (which must be generated by temperature diffential, and not any other motion or current). In recent years it has become common to use special coffee cups made of glass, so that one may observe the currents not only from the top, but from the sides and bottom as well. Harei zeh mishubach, although we do not invalidate cups made of fine china.

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Joke 6/3/97: What???

Q: What's Jewish Alszheimer's Disease?

A: It's when you forget everything but the guilt...

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Joke 7/3/97: What's For Dinner?

Hymie walks into a restaurant for a meal. He was about to order something kosher from the menu when he noticed another table getting a whole roast suckling pig being delivered. It look gorgeous, all the usual trimmings and an apple in its mouth. It was all too much for him and getting the urge to taste pork he ordered one for himself and sat back in anticipation. While he was waiting in walked the local Rabbi, who immediately recognized him and came over to talk to him. Despite desperate attempts to get rid of the Rabbi, Hymie's meal got delivered and the Rabbi demanded an explanation. "Well", said Hymie, "I just ordered a baked apple, how did I know how they were going to cook it?!"

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Joke 8/3/97: Walk Softly

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are in a boat out in the middle of a lake. The minister says, "I am thirsty. I will go to shore and get something to drink." He gets out of the boat; walks across the water to shore; gets a soda; walks back across the water; and gets back in the boat. The preacher says, "I am thirsty also, so I will go to shore and get something to drink." He gets out of the boat; walks across the water to shore; gets a soda; walks back across the water; and gets back in the boat. The rabbi thinks to himself, "Pretty cool -- I'll try that." He says, "I am thirsty also. I will go to shore and get something to drink." He gets out of the boat and falls in the water. The preacher turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

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Joke 9/3/97: Do You Believe?

Mendel Kravitz, 84 years old, was hit by a car and lay bleeding on the sidewalk. A priest arrived and said, "Do you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?" Kravitz lifted up his head, opened his eyes wide, and turned to the crowd that had gathered around him. "I'm laying here dying and he's asking me riddles.

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Joke 10/3/97: Moshiach's Hat

"Twas the night of the Geulah, -

And in every single Shtiebel

Sounds of the Torah could be heard

coming from every kind of Yeedel

This one in English

Some in Hebrew, some in Yiddish.

Some saying Pshat

And some saying a Chiddish.

And up in Shamayim

The Aibishter decreed:

"The time has come

for My Children to be freed."

"Rouse the Moshiach

From his heavenly berth.

Have him get in his chariot,

And head down to earth."

The Moshiach got dressed

And with a heart full of glee,

Went down to earth and entered

The first Shtiebel he did see.

"I am the Moshiach!

Hashem has heard your plea!

Your Geulah has come!

It's time to go free!"

They all stopped their learning;

This was quite a suprise.

And they looked at him carefully,

With piercing sharp eyes.

"He's not the Moshiach!"

Said one with a grin,

"Just look at his hat,

At the pinches and brim!"

"That's right!" cried another

With a grimace and frown,

"Whoever heard of Moshiach

With a brim that's turned down?"

"Well," thought Moshiach,

"If this is the rule,

I'll turn my brim up

Before I go to the next shul."

So he walked right on over

To the next shul in town.

Sure to be accepted,

Since his brim was no longer down.

"I'm the Moshiach!" he cried,

As he began to enter,

But the Jews wanted to know first

If he was Left, Right, or Center.

"You're clothes are so black!"

They cried out in fright.

"You can't be Moshiach

You're much too far right!"

"If you want to be Moshiach,

You must be properly outfitted."

So they replaced his black hat

with a kippah that was knitted.

Wearing his new Kippa,

Moshiach went out and said:

"No difference to me

what I wear on my head."

So he went to the next shul,

For his mission was dear,

But he was getting frustrated

with the Yidden down here.

"I'm the Moshiach!" he cried,

And they all stopped to stare,

And a complete eerie stillness

Filled up the air.

"You're the Moshiach?!

just imagine that!

Whoever heard of Moshiach -

without a black hat?!"

"But I do have a hat!"

the Moshiach then said.

So he pulled it right out

and plunked it down on his head.

The shul started laughing,

And one said: "where's your kop?"

You can't have a Moshiach

With a brim that's turned up!"

"If you want to be Moshiach

And be accepted in this town,

Put some pinches in your hat

And turn that brim down!"

Moshiach walked out and said:

"I guess my time hasn't come.

I'll just have to return

to where I came from."

So he went to his chariot,

But as he began to enter,

All sort of Jews appeared

From the Left, Right, and Center.

"Please wait - do not leave.

It's all their fault!" they said,

And they pointed to each other

And to what was on each other's head.

Moshiach just looked sad

And said, "you don't understand."

And then started up his chariot

to get out of this land.

"Yes, it's very wonderful

That you all learn Torah,

But you seem to have forgotten

A crucial part of our Mesorah.

"What does he mean?"

"what's he talked about?"

And they all looked bewildered,

And all began to shout.

Moshiach looked back and answered,

"The first place to start,

Is to shut up your mouths

and open up your hearts.

"To each of your, certain Yidden

Seem too frum or too frei,

But all yidden are beloved

In the Aibishter's eye."

And on his way up he shouted:

"If you want me to come,

Try working a little harder

On some Ahavat Chinam!"

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***** :) :) JEWISH HUMOR - ISSUE # 11 - APRIL, 1997 :) :) *****

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-- Welcome to Issue # 11 of Jewish Humor. We'ved broken 4,000! This issue is being sent out to over 4,000 subscribers - they can't all be relaytives - right?. Enjoy the issue! Pass it on!

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Joke 1/4/97: School Daze

Little Yossi and his family move to a small town down south. When Yossi gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town an nobody really bothered him. One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held up a twenty dollar bill and said "who ever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars".

All of the kids called out their guesses.

One said "George Washington - because he was the father of our country."

"That's excellent" said the teacher.

Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."

"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but

still being polite.

One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France."

Another excellent choice said the teacher.

Then Yossi, raised his hand.

So the teacher called on Yossi. "Yes Yossi, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived?"

And Yossi said "Jesus Christ."

The teacher was shocked. "Yossi," she said "I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Yossi should get the twenty dollars." And she handed Yossi the money. At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. And asked Yossi why he said Jesus.

Yossi said "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but... business is business."

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Joke 2/4/97: The Chumra of the Week Club

Mehadrin Min Hamehadrin Min Hamehadrin is pleased to present: The Chumra of the Week Club.

Are you jealous of Yankel's Chumras? Do you want to go one (or more!) better than Shmerl? Have you ever been tongue-tied when asked: "Maybe you have a new little Chumraleh for me?" If you have been faced by any of these dreadful scenarios, join up now!

Chumrah of the Week Club is a new concept in real, authentic Yiddishkeit. Upon joining, we will immediately send you - as your introductory selection - the choice of three Chumras in any of our present-day Chumra fields (more to be added later).

Choose from Chumras in:

Fleishigs

Milchigs

Davening

Clothing

Tefillin and Tzitzit

and many more.

(Sorry, due to market economics, we must limit ourselves to Bain adam lamakom.)

After receiving your three introductory Chumras, you will receive, each week by mail, a new, exciting additional Chumra which you can immediately put into use. Within a short time you will have amassed a Chumra list that will amaze your friends and make you the envy of your Kollel or Shul. Our guarantee: if the Chumra we send you is inappropriate for any reason, you are entitled to exchange it within 7 days of receipt for a new Chumrah of your choice.

Reasons for exchange include: You are already observing a Chumra of equal or greater stringency unlikely - our Chumras are pre-selected for their uniqueness and stringency).Your neighbor is already observing a similar Chumrah, heaven forbid.You want to be the first one in your community with this Chumra.

We can assure you that all our Chumras are of the highest quality. We have a full-time staff busy combing the Bar Ilan CD ROM for the most obscure Chumros. (For an added fee, we can guarantee a personal Chumra taken from a source other than the CD ROM - guaranteed to be unique and to amaze all your friends.)

To apply for Chumra of the Month Club, please fill out the following form scrupulously:

Name________ ben ______ ben ______ ben _____ (Sorry, anyone unable to supply genealogical data for the past four generations is not eligible).

Address: _______Phone:________

To custom-tailor your Chumra selection, please fill in the following:

Litvak? ____ Chassid? _____ FBB? (Frum Before Birth?)____Nusach: Ashkenaz ____ Sefarad ____

Check the type of Chumras you wish to receive:

a) Regular ____

b) Super-frum ____ (add 50%)

Even greater uniqueness available - check with us for full details. All correspondence in this regard will be kept in the strictest confidence.

Among the obscure Chumras we have found for our many overjoyed customers, we have used the following literary sources: the "Pi Ha'ason," the "Al Tagidu Be'gas," and the "Shtus Vehevel."

Don't Wait Another Minute: Join the Chumra of the Week Club now, and change your entire life style, while serving as a source of heavenly envy for all your friends.

Remember our motto: "'Yiras Shamoyaim' means fear of what the other guy will say."

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Joke 3/4/97: Keeping Up With Rabbi Jones

A priest and a rabbi lived next door to each other. Whatever one did, the other had to do better. The priest got a new lawn mower. The rabbi got a new riding lawn mower.

The priest got a satellite dish. The rabbi got a motorized one.

The priest bought a Mercedes. The rabbi bought a Rolls-Royce.

The priest stood in front of his Mercedes, sprinkled holy water on it, and blessed it. The rabbi cut six inches off the Rolls' exhaust pipe.

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Joke 4/4/97: The Jewish Macarenas

(Or, You Lead, But I Won't Follow)

The Reconstructionist Macarena:..The dance has been completely re-choreographed, but they still use the music so we know it's the Macarena.

The Reform Macarena: The traditional dance is on the books, but each row of dancers is free to interpret the music and determine what steps will be danced and how (Modern Reform has opted to retain the wiggle, but not the Classical Reform). Of course, they all start dancing at least four bars into the song, and usually end the dance early.

The Conservative Macarena: All aspects of the traditional Macarena are retained, but there is mixed dancing. Most women cover their heads with their hands, but some place the hands at the back of the head as a token gesture, just to show they know the head is supposed to be covered during that step. In some progressive, egalitarian Conservative circles, the women lead.

The Orthodox Macarena: All dancers pay strict attention to all details and never miss a step, but tend to rush through the dance using their own rhythms. They will not cross themselves by placing their hands across their stomachs, and so have ruled a heter to replace that step with a few bars of shuckling. As a "fence" to prevent any step from being missed, the song is played twice and the dance repeated. Rules of mechitazah are strictly maintained, so the wiggle has lost some of its "umph".

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Joke 5/4/97: What's In A Name?

A young Jewish boy from New York went out west to college. One day in his senior year he called home and said to his mother, "Mom. I've got a surprise for you. I'm getting married."

"Lucky you," his mom said. "Finding a nice young Jewish girl out in a place like Wyoming."

"Mom," his son replied, "she isn't Jewish. She's a Native American."The mother fainted and wouldn't talk to him for a month.

When she finally agreed to come to the phone, she said, "If you're going to marry an Indian, at least bring her home to me."

Her son said, "Mom, we're already decided where to live. We're moving to the reservation."

The mother fainted again. This time she didn't talk to her son for six months. When she finally agreed to come to the phone, her son said, "Mom, I've got some good news this time. You're going to be a grandmother."

She hesitated, then said, "A grandmother is not a bad thing to be." Feeling pleased for the first time, she called once a month to find out how things were. Then one day she heard from her son. "Mom, I've got great news. We've just had a son. And we've decided to give him a Jewish name."The mother smiled. "Ahh. A Jewish name for my grandson. What is it?"

"Smoked Whitefish."

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Joke 6/4/97: What Do You Get?

Q - What do you get when you cross a yekke with a lubavitcher?

A - A Moshiach who comes on time!

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Joke 7/4/97: Pasken and Rabbis Ice cream Menu

Pasken and Rabbis ice creams are available in cohens, frozen on a shtick, or in a plastic Yid-dish. In addition to their up-to-the-mitzvah selections of ice cream flavors, P.& R.'s also offers such taste treats as Tosefloats, Saturdaes, Madua-lo-diet freezes, the tantalizing Bamid-bar, as well as traditional ice cream Sotahs in a variety of delicious flavors- the latter, of course, made with Korban-ated water and, if you wish, an extra pshat of seltzer. And while our competitors may offer a multilayered Goyishe Cup, remember that only Pasken and Rabbi's features a free sample of any flavor which we call Bameh Madlickin'.

We are proud to continue our old and sacred tradition of serving a multitude of flavors, a custom which began with the sainted Ga'on of V'nila (may his memory be a dressing), who first claimed the mitzvah of Hachnassat ice cream. His desciples, known as the Eggnogdim, carried on for generations a debate with the followers of the Baal Shempaine over which scoop to put on top. Today, we abide by the decisions of the Ga'on's school, and we have adopted his famous slogan, "Talmond Tort K'neggnog Coolime."

FLAVORS: Maccabean, Leviticustard, Olive Hashalom, L'chu Vanillcha, Oy Gemalt, Wailing Walnut, Cherry Bim, Yasher Cocoach, Bubble Gumora, Lemontations, Chocolitvak, Hanava Bananot, Meshuganougat, Soda & Gomorra, Manishta Nut, Rachma Nut, Tishba B'Avarian Cream, Moishmallow, Maimonidip ( Rumbomb), Rhubarbanel, Chazalnut, Pear V'Chavod, Citrus D' Achra, Halava-Chomer, Oy Vey Iz Mizrachino Cherry, Rashi Road, Balak Berry, Buberry, Lubavicher Resberre, Shulamit Spumoni, Zalmond Schacter, Abba Ebanana, Bernard Malamint, Molly Pecan, Cin'm'n Toff& Mazel Toffe-ee, Cashew Lepesach, Lehitra Oats, Tzur Marshmalo, Kol HaVodka, Af Al Pecan, Mi Kamocha, Mizrachi Road, Tora Shebe'al Pear, Chuppapaya, M'lo Kol Ha'aretz Avacado, Butter Shkotz, Prune Ur'voon, Brand Ice, Olime Habah, Asseret Yummy Chewvah, Mi Kamarshmallow, Berry Pr'i Hagafen, Britishman Date, Rav Kooconut, Weizman Instituti-Fruittii, Carmel Shake, ChocEilat Chip, S.Y. Agnog.

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Joke 8/4/97: Keeping Up With The Shwartzes

A Rabbi in the middle of his sermon walked to the side of the pupit, kneeled down, placed is head on the floor and said in a loud voice "Oh G-d, as I bend down before you I am nothing".

The Cantor then walked next to the Rabbi, kneeled down, placed his head on the floor and said in a loud voice, "Oh G-d, as I bend down before you I am nothing".

Sam Shwartz in the 4th row of the congregation was so moved he edged out into the aisle, kneeled down, placed his heaqd on the floor and said in a loud voice "Oh G-d, as I bend down before you I am nothing".

At this point the Cantor nudged the Rabbi and whispered, "Look who thinks he's nothing?"

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Joke 9/4/97: Why?

Q - Why did the old Jewish grandmother go to the pawnshop?

A - To 'hock ah chynick'.

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Joke 10/4/97: Pestilence

In a small town in the States the clergyman's council was having a meeting. The Roman Catholic Priest complained. "Whenever I open up the sacresty for morning mass there are these mice on the altar. I trap them alive, drive them ten miles out of town, release them and within a couple of days they are back."The Protestant Minister said, "I have the same problem and I release them twenty miles and they still come back within a few days."

The Rabbi said, "I solved the problem. I made keepoth and talitoth and tfillin for them. I taught them the brakhoth and the trope. Then I had a little ceremony for them at which they chanted the brakhoth and the haftarah. Then I never see them again.

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-- Welcome to Issue # 12 of Jewish Humor. This issue is being sent out to over 4,500 subscribers! Enjoy the issue! Pass it on!

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Joke 1/5/97: Trouble With Language

In a chassidish yeshiva, the class was asked to write a sentence with each of the spelling words. Among the list was 'devout'. One student returned the next day with the following sentence: "My father has long devouts." Upon reading that, the principal asked the student if he was trying to make a joke out of the assignment. "No," he replied with a serious look, "I looked it up in the dictionary, and it said, 'pious'."

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Joke 3/5/97: All In A Day's Work

Henry Schwartz had a furniture store in a small Midwestern city. His customers came from several miles away to buy furniture at his store as it was well known for having top quality furniture at very reasonable prices. His accountant came in twice a year to go over his figures. Last week he told Henry that his inventory was too high and was causing cash-flow problems. So Henry decided to run an ad which read as follows: CASH SALE ONE DAY ONLY 40% OFF ON ALL MERCHANDISE IN THE STORE, SALE STARTS NOON TOMORROW!

People who saw the ad got very excited. It was now 11:45am and a big line had formed measuring over 5 blocks long. The first man in line was nearly 7 feet tall. He had got there at 5am so that he would have first choice at the furniture that he had been looking at previously. Suddenly, a little Jewish man cut in front of him. He was so enraged that he punched the little guy in the jaw and sent him sprawling. The little fellow got up slowly, brushed himself off and then again cut in front of the 7 footer. Immediately, he was decked again. A police officer, seeing the big crowd had driven by and had witnessed the 2nd punching event. He said to the little guy, "are you alright and what's going on here?" The little Jewish guy answered him, "Officer, if that guy punches me again, I'm not going to let him in my store!"

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Joke 4/5/97: What's The Difference?

Q - What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother?

A - You can negotiate with the terrorist!

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Joke 5/5/97: Ford

It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic car-maker, Henry Ford.

"Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, "we have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry. " Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person." After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black Edsel that was parked in the blazing sun in front of the building.

Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside Mr. Ford." "What!" shouted the tycoon, "are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!"

"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Maxwell, "but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push the white button."

Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool! "This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"

Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused, "And there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo."

"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a 'Jew-name' next to my logo on my cars!"

They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. One and one half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off. However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.

And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle you will see those three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel:

HI NORM MAX

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Joke 6/5/97: The Talit

The man went to the laundry to pick up his talit. He was told the bill was $300.

"$300, for what!" he asked.

"$5 for the cleaning and $295 for getting out all the knots." came the reply.

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Joke 7/5/97: Got A Light?

A man wanted to stop smoking and figured that if he found a halachic prohibition for smoking, it would be a good incentive.

So first he goes to a Reform rabbi. The Reform rabbi says, "I can't give you halachic prohibitions for anything!" Then he goes to a Conservative rabbi. The rabbi says, "You have to follow your heart and mind and do what you feel is right."

Then he goes to an Orthodox rabbi. When he gets to the rabbi's study, there is smoke coming out from under the door. He opens the door and can hardly see because there is so much smoke. The rabbi is puffing away at cigarette after cigarette. The man says, "Rabbi, have you found a heter for smoking?" And the rabbi says, "No, I sold my lungs to a goy!"

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Joke 8/5/97: The Dr. Seuss Version Of The Four Questions

why is it only

on Passover night

we never know how

to do anything right?

we don't eat our meals

in the regular ways,

the ways that we do

on all other days.

'cause on all other nights

we may eat

all kinds of wonderful

good bready treats,

like big purple pizza

that tastes like a pickle,

crumbly crackers

and pink pumpernickel,

sassafras sandwich

and tiger on rye,

fifty falafels in pitas,

fresh fried,

with peanut-butter

and tangerine sauce

spread onto each side

up and down, then across,

and toasted whole-wheat bread

with liver and ducks, and crumpets and dumplings,

and bagels and lox,

and doughnuts with one hole

and doughnuts with four and cake with six layers,

and windows and doors,

yes

on all other nights

we eat all kinds of bread,

but tonight of all nights we munch matzah instead.

And on all other nights

we devour

vegetables, green things,

and bushes and flowers

lettuce that's leafy

and candy-striped spinach,

fresh silly celery

(have more when you're finished!)

cabbage that's flown

from the jungles of Glome

by a polka-dot bird

who can't find his way home,

daisies and roses

and inside-out grass

and artichoke hearts

that are simply first class!

Sixty asparagus tips

served in glasses with anchovy sauce

and some sticky molasses--

but on Passover night

you would never consider

eating an herb

that wasn't all bitter.

And on all other nights

you would probably flip

if anyone asked you

how often you dip.

On some days I only dip

one Bup-Bup egg

in a teaspoon of vinegar mixed with nutmeg

but sometimes we take

more than ten thousand tails

of the Yakkity-birds

that are hunted in Wales,

and dip them in vats

full of Mumbegum juice.

Then we feed them to Harold,

our six-legged moose.

Or we don't dip at all!

We don't ask your advice.

So why on this night do we have to dip twice?

And on all other nights

we can sit as we please,

on our heads, on our elbows,

our backs or our knees,

or hang by our toes

from the tail of a Glump

or on top of a camel

with one or two humps,

with our foot on the table, our nose on the floor,

with one ear in the window

and one out the door,

doing somersaults

over the greasy K'nishes

or dancing a jig

without breaking the dishes,

yes--

on all other nights you sit nicely when dining--

So why on this night

must it all be reclining?

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Joke 9/5/97: Heaven

A famous rabbi goes to Heaven to meet his Maker. He sits in the waiting room hour after hour, waiting for his sins to be weighed against his good deeds. The line moves very slowly. All of a sudden, he sees a new fellow come in, go straight to the head of the line, get weighed and sent straight to Eden.

Now the rabbi, who has been very patient, gets up, dusts himself off, and goes to complain. "Who was that fellow, that he got such treatment, while I have been sitting here for hours?"

"Why, he's an Israeli bus driver."

"What?!", the rabbi says. "How could it be that a man like that waltzes right in, immediately gets weighed and sent right through the Pearly Gates, while I, a famous rabbi, the leader of a large congregation, am kept waiting for hours in doubt?"

"Well," the angels tell him, "it's really quite simple. When you get up to make a speech, you cause hundreds of people to fall asleep. But when an Israeli bus driver sits down to drive his bus, he causes forty people to pray!!!

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Joke 10/5/97: Pay Up!

The Freilich and Frum Congregation, of Monsey N.Y.; to address simultaneously two long standing problems in the Orthodox community, the lack of decorum and the lack of funds, our synagogue is pleased to provide you with the following schedule of unacceptable behavior and fines for violations:

BEHAVIOR FINES

Sleeping during the Rabbi's Drosha ------------------------ $ 36

Surcharge for snoring ---------------------------------------- 54

Checking watch during Drosha, Rabbi facing your direction ---- 72

Conspicuously reading unrelated Sefer during Drosha ---------- 180

Drosha longer than Davening ---------------------------------- 270

Announcements longer than Davening --------------------------- 360

Leaving lollipop stick on carpet ----------------------------- 18

Leaving lollipop stick on carpet, candy still attached ------- 54

Finish Amidah after Rabbi ------------------------------------ 72

Duchening - socks not fresh ---------------------------------- 180

Duchening - no socks ----------------------------------------- 360

Starting the wave -------------------------------------------- 900

Removing the good stuff before throwing the candy bag -------- 36

Harmonizing with Baal Tefillah off key ----------------------- 36

Singing with Baal Tefillah, different melody ----------------- 54

Complaining about the air-conditioning, non-member ----------- 180

Taking seat of person called to Torah ------------------------ 72

Taking seat of Rabbi during Drosha --------------------------- 360

(Fine waived if Drosha is longer than 30 minutes)

Nudging Gabbi for Aliyah within 5 years of last Aliyah ------- 36

Kicking person out of your seat (arrival during Mussaf) ------ 90

Surcharge if evictee uses cane ------------------------------- 90

Surcharge if evictee uses walker ----------------------------- 180

Saving seat for someone coming during Mussaf ----------------- 90

Saving a seat for someone you know is not coming ------------- 180

Talking ------------------------------------------------------ 36

Talking Lashon Hora ------------------------------------------ 54

Talking Lashon Hora, person two seats away can't hear -------- 90

Remaining in Shul with crying baby:

First minute ------------------------------------------------- 54

Next 60 minutes ---------------------------------------------- 72

Kol Nidre surcharge ------------------------------------------ 36

Communicating with spouse across the mechitza:

Hand signals ------------------------------------------------- 18

Shouting ----------------------------------------------------- 36

Smoke signals (Shabbos) -------------------------------------- 54

Placing Tallis in bag before end of davening ----------------- 36

Placing someone else's Tallis in your bag -------------------- 54

Leaving lipstick imprint on suddur --------------------------- 54

Leaving lipstick imprint on siddur, men's section ------------ 108

Having a child bring in coat before Aleinu:

1 coat ------------------------------------------------------ Free

2-4 coats ---------------------------------------------------- 36

Wrong coat --------------------------------------------------- 54

*********************************************************************

***** :) :) JEWISH HUMOR - ISSUE # 13 - JUNE, 1997 :) :) *****

*********************************************************************

-- This is the one year anniversary issue. Just one year ago, in June, 1996, the first issue of Jewish Humor appeared and was sent out to a handful of subscribers. Here we are, a year later, inching towards 5,000 subscribers! Thanks to you, the subscribers, for making this list a success. Also, thanks to Virtual Jerusalem for their continued support.

Joke 13/1/97: Those Were The Days...

One cold winter day, In Moscow, prior to the days of Perestroika, word arrived that a truck full of meat was due to arrive at 9:00 the next morning. So, starting about 4 in the morning, hundreds of people starting lining up in front of the butcher shop.

So they stood, with snow falling heavily all night, until just before the scheduled time, the butcher appeared and yelled "The truck is stuck in the snow about 200 kilometers from here, and it is smaller than we had thought. So, all you Jews might as well leave, because they'll be no meat for you." About one-third of those waiting left the line, and trudged away, grumbling.

Then, at noon, the butcher appeared again and said to those who had continued to wait during the falling snow. "The truck is on the way, but they had to leave a lot of the meat there, because it was too heavy. It should be here about 5:00. But, we have only enough meet for members of the Party. All non-Party members should leave. About two-thirds of those remaining, left. At 5:00 o'clock, after the party faithful had been waiting all day, with the snow still falling, the butcher reappeared. "Go home! There will be no meat truck today."

As they left, one Party member said to the other, "You know, those damned Jews have all the luck!!"

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Joke 13/2/97: Yiddish Proverbs / Folk-Sayings

If they give you--take; if they take from you--yell!

Charge nothing and you'll get a lot of customers.

Don't spit into the well--you might drink from it later.

Cancer--schmancer! - as long as you're healthy.

Do not worry about tomorrow, because you do not even know what may happen to you today.

If one person tells you that you have ass's ears, take no notice; should two tell you so, procure a saddle for yourself.

You can't chew with somebody else's teeth.

If you spit upwards, you're bound to get it back in the face.

You can't dance at two weddings at the same time; nor can you sit on two horses with one behind.

Had you gotten up early, you wouldn't have needed to stay up late.

One who has the reputation of an early riser may safely lie abed 'til noon.

For dying, you always have time.

When a fool is silent, he too is counted among the wise.

Silence is the fence around wisdom.

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Joke 13/3/97: Lord, Lord, Thou Knowest How It Is!

And the Lord said unto Noah: "Where is the Ark which I have commanded thee to build?"

And Noah said unto the Lord: "Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill. The gopher wood supplier hath let me down. Yea, even though the gopher wood hath been on order nigh upon twelve months. What can I do, O Lord?"

And God said unto Noah: "I want that Ark finished even after seven days and seven nights."

And Noah said: "It will be so." And it was not so.

And the Lord said unto Noah: "What seemeth to be the trouble this time?"

And Noah said unto the Lord: "Mine subcontractor hath gone, alas, bankrupt. The pitch which though commandedst me to put on the outside and the inside of the Ark hath not arrived. The canvas, although on hand, is not the right color. The pipefitter hath gone on strike. Shem, my son, who helpeth me on the Ark side of the business, hath formed a rock group with his brothers Ham and Japheth. Lord, I am undone."

And the Lord grew angry and said: "And what about the animals, the male and the female of every sort that I ordered to come unto thee to keep their seed alive upon the face of the Earth?"

And Noah said: "They have been delivered unto the wrong address but should arriveth on Friday."

And the Lord said: "How about the unicorn and the fowls of the air by sevens?"

And Noah wrung his hands and wept saying: "Lord, unicorns are a discontinued line, thou canst not get them for love nor money. And fowls of the air are sold only in half-dozens. The peacocks even then, are on back order for weeks to come. Lord, Lord, thou knowest how it is."

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Joke 13/4/97: How Many... ?

Q: How many Ba`alei Teshuvah does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Are we allowed to do that?

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Joke 13/5/97: The Present

His mother was now living in Miami Beach and the young man didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that Mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.

"Ma, what do you think of the bird?"

"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer."

"You ate the bird? Ma, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"

"Oh, excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn't it say something

when I put it in the oven?"

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Joke 13/6/97: The Job

An elderly Jew saw a ad in a magazine that said, "Lumberjacks needed in the Canadian North Woods".

He flew up and reported for a job. The six foot three foreman looked down at the five foot two Jew and explained that they cut trees with axes and it takes brawn, which obviously he didn't have.

The Jew said just give me a test. So they hands him a ax and said go chop down that tree. The Jew with four strokes, zip, zap, zoop, shlip, cut the tree down.

The foreman complimented him, but explained that he was being kind, because that wasn't the kind they cut down, it was the kind they plant. The he said, pointing to a monster tree, those are the kind we cut down.

The Jew went over to the big tree and with ten strokes, zip, zap, zoop, shlipp, flop, blam, boom, crack, crunch, bim, he cut down the tree. With that the foreman said, "You're hired, but where did you get the experience?."

The Jew said, "In the Sahara Forest."

The foreman said," You mean the Sahara desert, don't you?"

And the Jew said, "Sure, Now!"

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Joke 13/7/97: The Schlimazel

There was once a poor man named Shlomo who lived in small shack with sod roof and a dirt floor on the very outskirts of town. Shlomo was also cursed with the worst luck imaginable and as a result was known to all as Shlomo the Schlimazel.

Poor Shlomo's day always started out the same, he would rise from bed at dawn, dress, and prepare a meager breakfast. This poor meal consisted of a piece of black bread schmeared with schmaltz. Alas, since Shlomo was a true schlimazel, he always managed to knock the piece of schmaltzed bread from the table to the dirt floor of his simple home. The bread, of course, always landed schmaltz side down.

One fine spring morning Shlomo prepared his schmaltzed bread in the same manner as always and also managed to knock it to the floor, as always. But this day it was as if HaShem himself smiled on Shlomo and lo the bread landed schmaltz side up! "This is a sign," Shlomo exclaimed, "It must mean that I am no longer a schlimazel!" Shlomo ran immediately to the home of the saintly and revered Rabbi Dovid ben Moshe in the adjacent town and after relating the events of this morning, asked imploringly, "Rabbi, does this mean that I am no longer a schlimazel?"

The saintly and revered Rabbi Dovid ben Moshe pondered for a few minutes before replying sadly, "I'm afraid, friend Shlomo, that because you are a true schlimazel, all it means is that today you schmeared the schmaltz on the wrong side of the bread."

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Joke 13/8/97: Woof

Q- What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler?

A- Eventually the Rottweiler lets go...

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Joke 13/9/97: Four Score And Ten Years Ago...

Be'erech a yoivel and a half ago, the meyasdim shtelled avek on this makom a naiya malchus with the kavana that no one should have bailus over their chaver, and on this yesoid that everyone has the zelba zchusim. We're holding by a geferliche machlolkes being machria if this medina, or an andere medina made in the same oifen and with the same machshovos, can have a kiyum. We are all mitztaref on the daled amos where a chalois of that machloikes happened in order to be mechabed the soldiers who dinged zich with each other. We are here to be koiveia chotsh a chelek of that karka as a kever the bekavodike soldiers who were moiser nefesh and were niftar to give a chiyus to our nation. Yashrus is mechayev us to do this.

Lemaise, hagam the velt won't be goires or machshiv what we speak out here, it's zicher not shayach for them to forget what they tued uf here. We are mechuyav to be meshabed our selves to the melocha in which these soldiers made a haschala - that vibalt they were moiser nefesh for this eisek, we must be mamash torud in it - that we are all mekabel on our selves to be moisif on their peula so that their maisim should not be a bracha levatulla - that Hashem should give the gantze oilam a naiya bren for cheirus - that a nation that shtams by the oilam, by the oilam, by the oilam, will blaib fest ahn oilam.

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Joke 13/10/97: The Eternal Jewish Truths OR You Grandmother's Bible

The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.

If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.

Who else could have invented the 50-minute hour?

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

WASPs leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.

Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.

Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.

Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.

Never pay retail.

No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; then again, no one leaves with a hangover.

And what's so wrong with dry turkey?

Always leave a little room for the Viennese table.

Always whisper the names of diseases.

If you don't eat, it will kill me.

Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

The two most important words to know in any language - "On Sale."

Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

Never take a front-row seat at a bris.

Prune Danish is definitely an acquired taste.

Next year in Jerusalem; The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

Important Jewish holidays are ones which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.

A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.

Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

Before you read the menu, read the prices.

There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult; this usually happens at around age 45.

Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who's father is a bricklayer.

No meal is complete without leftovers.

What business is a yente in? Yours.

If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.

Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel better.

Laugh now, but one day you too will be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.

Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.

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Marty Weiss, Editor Virtual Jerusalem, Ltd.